Tough talks: Helping adolescents navigate smartphones safely
Talking to kids about difficult subjects can be an intimidating proposition. It’s also essential to building trust and helping them learn to navigate the world. In the second installment of our “Tough talks” series, we get into some of the issues around adolescents and phones – and how to handle it when things go sideways.
Between the troubling effects of social media algorithms on young brains, the increasing presence of AI in daily life and the possibility of plain, old-fashioned cyber-bullying, the decision to give your child a phone can feel terrifying. Tim Ottusch, chair of the Human Development and Family Science program in the Norton School of Human Ecology, takes us through the delicate – and often messy – process of introducing adolescents to smartphones.
How do you know if your child is ready for a cellphone?
There’s no universal age for phone readiness. Ottusch said the decision of when to give an adolescent their first cellphone will depend on several factors, including the child’s emotional and cognitive maturity.
“It really comes down to understanding what’s going on with your individual child,” he said. “You’ll want to be aware of their decision-making skills – especially in situations where there’s heightened emotion – as well as how they interact with people in general. You’ll also want to think through what kind of content they may be exposed to, and what limits you want to put into place.”
Social dynamics will likely also play a part in the timing of introducing a cell phone.
“If it gets to a point where your kid isn’t able to communicate with their friends without a phone, it may be time to consider getting them one,” Ottusch said.
But he cautioned that parents shouldn’t give into peer pressure if their adolescent isn’t developmentally ready to take on the responsibilities that go with having their own phone.
“Ultimately, it isn’t helpful to anyone to put a kid in a situation they’re not ready for, even if their friends all have phones,” he said. “Emphasize to your child that this is an ongoing discussion – the answer may be no for now, but that doesn’t mean no forever. Your family can work toward more access as your child matures and gains the necessary skills to engage safely with phones and social media.”
How do I prepare my adolescent for their first phone?
Practice, practice, practice.
Ottusch pointed out responsible phone use depends on multiple kinds of cognition, some of which don’t develop until late in adolescence.
“By age 15, most adolescents can make good, adult-level decisions in what’s known as ‘cold cognition’ states – low-stress, low-emotion situations,” he explained. “But ‘hot cognition’ – the ability to make good decisions in emotionally charged situations – tends to develop later.”
That’s where practice comes in. He advised caregivers to talk through hypothetical “hot cognition” situations and decide on appropriate responses in advance.
“Ask them, ‘What if you see something on social media that you disagree with? What if someone sends you an insulting message? What would you do?’” he said. “Thinking through these situations in a cold cognition state can help prepare adolescents to make better decisions when emotions run high.”
Ottusch also encouraged caregivers to have open conversations about family expectations around phones before the device is in hand.
“You’ll want to be clear about your family’s expectations around screen time, appropriate content and parental monitoring of phone activity,” he said. “It’s important to be up-front because that helps build trust, and trust is essential for safety.”
Is better to start slow or dive in?
Ottusch said experts in adolescent psychology recommend taking a slower approach where kids start with limited functionality and gradually progress toward full access.
“Step one would be something like texting,” he said. “Give them a basic phone – a flip phone or a smartphone where there’s no access to social media or internet. If it goes well and they’re happily communicating via text message, keep things at that level for as long as you can before moving to social media apps.”
Ottusch said that your family’s process should be reflective of your child’s needs and experiences, which may mean a series of advances and retreats.
“The process isn’t going to look the same for everyone,” he said. “Maybe you tried social media and your child wasn’t ready for it, so you needed to step back to just texting for awhile. Or maybe your family’s standards around appropriate content mean your child has a different level of access than their peers. The most important thing is to keep talking and building mutual trust.”
How can I identify - and deal with - potential problems with my child's phone use?
According to Ottusch, caregivers who keep up with their kids’ lives are best positioned to notice if and when problems arise.
“You want to make sure that the phone isn’t interfering with their ability to live their lives,” he said. “Are they getting enough sleep? Are they getting their schoolwork done? Are they spending time with friends offline?”
In situations where caregivers need to suspend their child’s phone use, Ottusch recommended focusing discussions on solutions rather than punishment.
“Punishing unwanted behavior often makes it more likely that the child will resort to hiding things from you in the future,” he said. “If you need to step back or even suspend phone use, talk with your child about why this is necessary and decide on what changes can be made to prevent the problem from reoccurring.”